Trauma causes your mind’s process to get stuck in a detect danger mindset. Chronic abuse and criticism create an imbalance in the number of Mind Files stored in the Filing Cabinets of your Mind. It isn’t until we become sick and tired of being sick and tired that we are then willing to dig into our Mind Files, review, reassess, and resolve them so that we can find peace, love, and genuine self-worth.
Nothing is ever all bad but it can feel like that when our negative experiences outnumber the positive ones. When I waded through the pain of my childhood as an adult, I realized that a lot of the pain I was carrying had been exaggerated because my mind’s process had referenced the wrong file. That caused my mind’s process to add emotional filters to files where they didn’t belong. Once these mistakes were resolved, and the light of truth could find its way in, I was able to see the diamonds in the rough that had been forming deep within me.
SEXUAL ABUSE & RAPE
When I reviewed the I WAS MOLESTED AND RAPED FILE, I discovered that the promiscuity I engaged in as a teenager and young adult turned out to be an immature reaction to the sexual assault I endured as a child. I thought that I was exerting my power by intentionally choosing whom I would offer my body to and when, but I later learned that the sexual freedom I thought I was participating in was really the opposite side of the same motivational coin that caused the assault. The coin’s name is power and its energy is fear-based.
For every action, there is a reaction.
As a teenager, and well into the first few decades of adulthood, I was stuck in rebel mode. I fashioned myself a warrior, but I didn’t realize that assigning that label to myself sent signals into the Universe to bring me more battles!
All of my relationships with men were dysfunctional. I was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed by everyone. I had no real self-respect or genuine confidence. It was all fake. I was a broken child being ruled by my pain and my ego. Some warrior I was!
When I reviewed and reassessed my Mind File, I began to see the line between the betrayal I felt from the childhood molestation, hooking up with the multiple betrayals I experienced after marrying an abusive addict, and the betrayal from my mostly male co-workers when they chose to ignore the sexual harassment I was experiencing at work.
Childhood molestation is betrayal. Sexual assault, especially when perpetrated by someone you know, is betrayal.
Once I understood intellectually what had happened, I had to release the trapped emotions that were stored in my body. I knew that I was well on my way to healing when I could read a news article, or watch a TV show or movie that had to do with pedophiles and not want to see them strung up by their private parts in the middle of town square and pissed on.
BULLYING
When I examined the I WAS BULLIED FILE, I had to face the reality that I was different and that I did walk funny. I fell down a lot, and I couldn’t run or play sports like the other kids, so why would they want me on their team?
It was the reactions of the adults around me toward my disability that created the shame and embarrassment that I carried for decades. It was their guilt projected onto me. When it landed, I felt embarrassed, lonely, isolated, and mocked.
In elementary school, teachers forced the kids to have me on their team when we were playing games in phys ed class. The consequence of those fantastic decisions caused kids to resent me – and rightly so. Why should they have to sacrifice their fun because I was born with a disability?
In high school, school administrators had no idea how to be flexible with academic requirements, so they forced me to attend physical education, which then forced the teacher to force me to try or to sit in the corner which resulted in more embarrassment. Apparently, common sense and solution searching weren’t heard of then, or now for that matter.
What would I do? How about putting me in the library studying kinesiology or biomechanics?
Bullying wasn’t, and still isn’t, limited to physically disabled kids. The hierarchical groups vary from classroom to classroom and depend entirely on the strengths of the kids in each classroom. The natural athletes (better known as jocks) butt up against the kids who want to be awesome in sports (usually because they dream about being a highly-paid professional athlete) but don’t have the natural ability. They try and fail so they’re mocked. What they want is different from who they are, so they can’t see that their strength lies elsewhere.
Then there are the uber-smart kids. The nerdy kids who get straight A’s without trying. They are almost always the minority in a classroom. Kids who struggle to get good marks accuse them of brown-nosing or cheating and if that doesn’t work, begin to attack their character as if that has anything to do with intelligence.
The most important thing I realized when I reviewed my I WAS BULLIED FILE was that all of the hurtful things these kids said came from a kid's brain. They weren’t always intentional in their hurtful words, and they had no idea what else was going on in my life. Some kids, of course, were mean on purpose, but there weren’t a lot of those kids.
Also, in understanding that comparisons are a natural part of learning and growing up. They help us recognize what we are good at, and recognizing what we are good at helps us build self-esteem.
Finally, when I was ready to be honest with myself, I also realized that there were only a few kids who openly mocked me anyway. It wasn’t the entire class.
It's far worse today. The anonymity of social media took bullying to a new level. Add to that the number of people with unresolved Mind Files that deal with their own childhood bullying who are now teachers, coaches, politicians, and HR managers who create bullying and harassment policies that everyone is supposed to follow! Policies, rules, and regulations that nurture victimhood are fear-based and destructive.
I knew I was well on my way to resolving all the Mind Files stored in my FEAR cabinet that dealt with bullying, teasing, and constant criticism when I could easily recall all the instances when I stuck up for myself, challenged authority, and didn’t need someone else’s approval.
MEDICAL TRAUMA
Undergoing unnecessary surgeries and having to figure out how to recover from iatrogenic injury is a long arduous process, and one that, for the most part, you have to walk on your own. It’s also unbelievably expensive – emotionally, physiologically, and financially.
It’s not that there aren’t numerous people, physicians included, who can and want to help you. There are, but there are far more people who rely on the income they earn from helping you than those who genuinely want to help you.
At the beginning of the path, I learned that doctors aren’t gods and medicine isn’t a foolproof science. Along the way, I learned how to let go of the desperation I felt so that I could find my way to genuine healers rather than opportunistic scientists and therapists.
If someone is trying to sell you an expensive twelve-week (or more) program and recites sales slogans like – when it comes to health you’ll either pay now or pay later – consider very carefully how desperate for help you are before paying them. It took me a long time and thousands of dollars before I learned that lesson!
For me, healing began when I understood the difference between intentional harm and collateral damage and when I was willing to let go of the many desires attached to the trauma, including validation, vindication, and justice.
Part of healing is learning to intentionally reference our LOVE cabinets more than the FEAR cabinet and starting to file far more NEUTRAL files for future reference.
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Penny you’ve come a long way to overcome the effects caused by trauma. It’s still very difficult for me to think about the place where my own trauma occurred. When I go back to visit that beautiful place from my childhood I feel anxiety. I’m happy you’re a Diamond. 💎🤗💖
Almost four years ago, during lockdown, I had to confront the fact that my brain was harmed by the years of sexual abuse I endured as a young child. I sought ways to heal myself, which created an openness within me. Sometimes extreme changes like lockdowns can force us to go deeper in healing.