Long before the people in my little sphere successfully murdered the little shred of self-respect and self-worth I had left, there were times when I knew to trust my…..self over everyone else. Not the self that thinks but my true self, the part of me that is connected to something far older, wiser, and all-knowing. I’ve always called that part my spirit. Some people refer to it as soul. I don’t know if there’s a difference between the two labels, to be honest, and I don’t think the labels matter nearly as much as the knowledge of and connection to it.
When I think back, there were times in my life when I trusted that inner voice over people. Then, because I couldn’t explain whose voice I heard, where it came from, or why I trusted it, other people’s projected doubt slowly infected my faith and trust in that voice, and I quit listening. Looking back now, I can say with certainty that that is when my life really began to fall apart. It wasn’t when I was a child at the mercy of adult whims or because of the trauma they suffered that was passed on to me. It was when I was an adult, fully capable of thinking for myself, that I made the conscious choice to block out that voice and rely on my intellect instead. In retrospect, that was a pretty stupid thing for an intelligent person to do.
I was never blindly obedient to supposed authority. I didn’t hand out trust to people. I always resented people who thought they had the right to dictate to me how, where, and if I should be. Lots of people concluded that I was just jaded because my dad was an authoritarian asshole, but that was never the truth. I honestly believed that no one had authority over me. Who died and made you God? I used to say. What I didn’t understand back then was that my anger toward those kinds of people enslaved me to them. I also had never looked in the mirror and admitted that I could be equally as arrogant as them. Who the fuck am I to think that I know what’s best for someone else? I don’t but I sure the hell know what’s best for me. In many ways, I was way better off when I carried that chip on my shoulder because I wasn’t prone to take on someone else’s guilt.
People often feel guilty for saying out loud that they don’t trust people or that trust must be earned. They might think it, but they won’t say it out loud. There’s this interesting belief that we should give others the benefit of the doubt because most people are good. Really? Are they? Take a moment to ponder that idea - especially after living through the last few years. Is that what you saw with your very own eyes? I sure the hell didn’t. I’d say that most people aren’t good. Some people are. Most people haven’t even given a moment’s thought to who they really are, but some people have, and those are the folks who are capable of earning my trust.
People want to be good as long as it doesn’t require effort.
Over the past year, I’ve been thinking a lot about trust and guilt and how they go hand in hand. I don’t know about you, but when I think back, I know that most of the guilt I’ve felt in my life came from the ideas or thoughts of other people. People’s rules not natural law. Natural law is a whole other ballgame, and arrogant authoritarian types don’t like that game. They prefer that people stay weak and afraid because weak and scared people are way easier to manipulate and control.
When guilt creeps into my thoughts, I know it’s false, but when it originates in my heart, I know it’s valid and that I’ve said or done something that I shouldn’t have.
What do you think? Am I way off base, or did I strike a chord in you? Let me know in the comments.
This was profound. I agree with you — when guilt comes up in my thoughts it’s me being worried about how I’ll be perceived…”they’ll think I’m an asshole; they won’t like me anyone; I won’t have any friends left”. All lies by the way. But when it creeps up in my spirit, it’s because I’ve done something that was completely misaligned; perhaps because I’ve let my ego get in the way, or something else.
I love what you said about blocking out the voice of your spirit and instead relying on intellect. It reminds me of this saying, “You know you are on the right path when you’re not out in a position to betray yourself” - Caroline Myss