Counseling helped me deal with the intellectual aspects of my trauma, but I didn’t begin healing until I found a spiritual practice that not only made sense to me but also felt right. I’ve always believed in God and reincarnation, but I didn’t know who or what God was – exactly – or why I believed that we live multiple lives. I just did. It was instinctive. I never blamed God for the things that happened to me, and I can’t even tell you why I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t – I just didn’t.
Hi Penny, I absolutely love this. What a profound read that really makes me see myself myself in your words. Hope you won't mind me writing a pretty long comment!
I don't usually say I've found God, I prefer to say I've found the sacred - but it's really just a minor detail, a variation in how we approach a personal expression of the same feeling in our souls. I doubt I'll ever convert or revert to any organised religion as I have deep reservations about all of them and the way they express God doesn't speak to me. Yet, I'm deeply spiritual, more than ever before in my life. I had a beautiful conversation with a Muslim friend of mine a while ago. She rebuilt her relationship with God after neglecting it for years and she's blossoming because of it. We concluded we're talking about the very same thing; her in a way that is expressed through 99 names of God and me in a way that doesn't require a name at all, for me God just *is*. In the river, tree, mountain, shells on the beach, flowers on my porch.
I do feel some minor grief over not coming to these conclusions sooner in my life, but ultimately, I'm accepting there was a time and place for every step of my spirituality (or lack thereof). All those steps were necessary for coming out of trauma. I simply *couldn't* have the same understanding I have known when I was in my early 20s, it was simply psychologically and physiologically impossible at that time. I *had* to go through a militant atheist phase where I ended up in search of answers, only to end up with inner emptiness. I *had* to let that emptiness be my sobering teacher. I *had* to wriggle through years of not understanding how to reconcile the sacred with the scientist in me. I *had* to add motherhood, birth trauma and the pain of bearing witness to the cruelty of the world into this mixture. It was all a part of my path, and that path has led me to a place where I feel a deep surrender to the sacred. I feel a deep joy for my Muslim friend and anyone else who found their sacred, whatever their personal expression is. I feel free and at peace.
Hi Penny, I absolutely love this. What a profound read that really makes me see myself myself in your words. Hope you won't mind me writing a pretty long comment!
I don't usually say I've found God, I prefer to say I've found the sacred - but it's really just a minor detail, a variation in how we approach a personal expression of the same feeling in our souls. I doubt I'll ever convert or revert to any organised religion as I have deep reservations about all of them and the way they express God doesn't speak to me. Yet, I'm deeply spiritual, more than ever before in my life. I had a beautiful conversation with a Muslim friend of mine a while ago. She rebuilt her relationship with God after neglecting it for years and she's blossoming because of it. We concluded we're talking about the very same thing; her in a way that is expressed through 99 names of God and me in a way that doesn't require a name at all, for me God just *is*. In the river, tree, mountain, shells on the beach, flowers on my porch.
I do feel some minor grief over not coming to these conclusions sooner in my life, but ultimately, I'm accepting there was a time and place for every step of my spirituality (or lack thereof). All those steps were necessary for coming out of trauma. I simply *couldn't* have the same understanding I have known when I was in my early 20s, it was simply psychologically and physiologically impossible at that time. I *had* to go through a militant atheist phase where I ended up in search of answers, only to end up with inner emptiness. I *had* to let that emptiness be my sobering teacher. I *had* to wriggle through years of not understanding how to reconcile the sacred with the scientist in me. I *had* to add motherhood, birth trauma and the pain of bearing witness to the cruelty of the world into this mixture. It was all a part of my path, and that path has led me to a place where I feel a deep surrender to the sacred. I feel a deep joy for my Muslim friend and anyone else who found their sacred, whatever their personal expression is. I feel free and at peace.
Penny, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing!